when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
