I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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