Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
