So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
