I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
