everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
