I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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