I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
