When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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