if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
