My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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