Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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