Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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