I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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