I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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