Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
