Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
