theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
