How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
