I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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