Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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