Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
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