Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
