2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
