He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
