I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I still have a little drunk in my system
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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