you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She told me I should be a condom model.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
