Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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