he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
