People with herpes should wear stickers.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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