It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
