is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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