My liver just broke up with me...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
