Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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