So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
