she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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