I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize