Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
