My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
