I heard we made out
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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