yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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