I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
