So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Randomize
