Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
