who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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