They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
