Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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