alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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