I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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