there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
