If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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