I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
