I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
