he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
