Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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