using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
