how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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