so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
