so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
