You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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