I look better un-naked...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
